Written by an anonymous pregnant mother of 1:
“Growing up I loved the age that my parents were and fixated my own wants parallel to my mother (married at 22, followed swiftly by baby no 1 and then ‘me’ 3 years later). That suited me down to the ground, I thought I would do the same. The fact that my brother spent the first 2 years of my life trying to pinch and hit me at every opportunity, only to then devote his younger years to taunting and teasing me bore no weight on my life’s plan!!!!! My children would never be like that….ha ha ha…character wise my first born is my brother reincarnated!!!!! Give or take a year or two things did happen to fall into place and my gorgeous daughter was born in 2004 and I was still very happy / determined to pursue the next baba 3 years later…..but not a day sooner.
After all a plan is a plan is a plan!!!!! What happened next was a big blow….my marriage fell apart and I knew that to offer my daughter a happy home meant I had to up and leave. This did not bode well for my Virgo personality, never having had a plan not been successful before. The reality that a life on my own with my daughter far outweighed ever being in that kind of situation again was a bitter, hard, sad and often lonely pill to swallow. But a decision I never once regretted, for the first time in my life I was being truly true to myself, being the sort of person I wanted to be and being with the kind of people I wanted in my life and that of my daughter. Second best was never going to be an option for me again. Years passed with a few relationships along the way, I feel blessed by most of the men I dated, but no-one was my 100% and I was never going to ignore that little niggle again.
Finally without realizing it a beautiful friendship blossomed into a true spiritually committed relationship and I found myself looking into the eyes of the man I never dreamed would be my forever after soul mate in every way that life had to offer. A few years later we decided to ask the universe if we were meant to have a child…..Lo and behold 2013 finds me blessed with a seemingly healthy baby-to-go!!! This all sounds very simple and easy 1,2,3, let’s just do it but the journey to get to this point has been anything but that. I always knew I had hoped for more children but as the years passed not only did the age gap grow but I had some health issues, my clock was ticking and my ‘love’ wasn’t sure he wanted children of his own, a choice I hugely respected. I would never fall pregnant on purpose, it had to be a decision made together and we spent close on two years soul searching, talking, listening and respecting all thoughts and feelings thrown on the table. During this time we knew we wanted to be together regardless of having a child together, but this ever growing age gap just went against every life plan I had ever had and I really battled with it for a long time. I couldn’t see the positive in such a huge age gap. It wasn’t how it was meant to be.
How do we consciously make this decision? My head for one was so full of ‘I do but I don’t’ thoughts. One day while sitting talking, things began to clarify and I was finally able to verbalise how I felt. I concluded that if I never ‘tried’ to have another child there was a good chance I may regret that decision at a later stage, however if I were to have another child at some point, despite the ups and downs and daily challenges that parenting provides I knew I would never, ever have one ounce of regret. These words were greatly respected by my ‘love’. He also knew that I constantly felt the tug of a little soul on my arm, although I was never fully sure how, when or why this little soul would appear. I just knew that I would have more children in my life somehow, be it my own, adopted, fostered, community outreach, I will always have children in my life with a few extra specially nurtured ones along the way. A little over a year later after this particular conversation I was advised that should we decide to actively try for a child that we may need a little assistance. Again the whole tick tock scenario was being hinted at along with a recap of previous pregnancy complications and add to that not knowing the compatibility of my ‘love’s precious contributions to the process….what to do now? We had to make some decisions. Suddenly we kept meeting other parents with large age gaps between their children or people who had a large age gap with a sibling and we started seeing the wonderful elements of such a scenario too.
So we made a choice. We would open ourselves up to the possibility and if it was meant to be it would be and if not, then we knew our child / children would come to us through other ways. There would be no calendar watching, no medical assistance or interventions, no post sex shoulder stands (lol)….just let nature be. A sense of calm descended in our home, we were blissfully happy with our approach and decision and just seemed to fall deeper in love as a family. Now six months into our pregnancy, despite all the health dramas (that’s a whole chapter on its own), I am loving my fixated problem, the age gap, more and more. I am sharing this journey with my daughter in a way I had never conceived possible, she takes care of my tummy, telling me what to do, what not to do, checking my tummy and boobs for stretch marks (I kid ye not) and (whoop whoop I have none) giving me little massages and rubbing in all the lotions and potions. She has been to some of the appointments with us and is such an important contributor to our journey, is beside herself with excitement, sharing the joy of choosing names and learning about the wonderful things we need to buy, choosing outfits and showing her excitement and pride of becoming the most amazing big sister in the world to our imminent bundle of joy.
My ‘love’ now turned daddy-to-be took a good while to get over the shock but has been loving and supportive every single step of the way, is amazed by the changes in my body and the miracle of pregnancy, loves and nurtures all of us and, while of course still taken aback by this life changing experience, is rising and growing into his new role and new journey and just makes me so incredibly proud and happy that I stuck to my guns…..be 1000% true to myself and the right person will reveal themselves. I couldn’t be more excited about my second pregnancy, nearly a decade later!!!”