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Longing for something (someone) so deeply….


Written by a mommy blogger, clinical psychologist and play therapist. She chose to remain anonymous.

And so I was asked to write a blog – many months ago and I was so excited about the various possibilities of topics to write about. Many of which I have written about before in magazines and online baby websites. I was considering writing about the importance of choosing the correct oil to massage your little baby with or about how to cope with a newborn at home if you are a single parent. My life however threw me several curve balls during the last 9 months and none of the above topics seems relevant at the moment.

My husband and I have been trying to add to our existing family of four over the last 9 months. We started off being so excited and so deeply involved in this process of praying about the right time and considering all the possible treatments that I should probably go through again (we have a rather complicated fertility history with our 2 current miracle-children). The terrible news however was that although I managed to conceive easier this time around, I battled to maintain the pregnancies. I have been pregnant for a total of 28 weeks during 4 pregnancies over the last 9 months. However we cannot hold a baby in our arms today, boast the loads of stretchmarks or celebrate the first smile this time around. All of the pregnancies ended in a miscarriage at different stages. I honestly would prefer if the hospital did not write ‘missed abortion’ on my medical discharged paper last night. It is almost as if I tried to abort my baby, but somehow did not manage to do it properly and then the doctors needed to help me ‘evacuate’ (another medical term that I came to know) the baby from his snugly uterus. As if he did not pay his rent.

Early losses are difficult to understand (if you are the mommy going through it), more difficult to explain (if you have an audience of family and friends staring at you in disbelieve as to why you are still trying to conceive as clearly it is not working), even harder to come to terms with (especially if you have seen that little heart and heard it beating more than once on an ultrasound), and most definitely never forgotten (if you carry the scars in your heart, the ultrasound pictures in you drawer and the unopen baby clothes in your nursery cupboard).

So why am I writing about such a very sad and rather depressing topic on a maternity clothes online shop website? I have come to realise that many woman out there suffer this same heartache in silence. Feeling misunderstood and feeling cheated. This is how I am feeling today. I feel cheated. For a few weeks during each pregnancy I believed I was pregnant, while in fact our little miracles heart had stop beating a few days ago. While I was rubbing my tummy, coming up with creative ways to tell the family we are pregnant and thinking about names, our little baby’s soul and spirit was no longer with me. It is so unfair.

For the first time I understand what woman are going through when they suffer an early loss. Whether it was a chemical pregnancy (another term that made me feel as if the doctor believed I made it all up by boiling a few chemicals in my kitchen and then dipped a pregnancy test into it to make it come up positive!), or a loss later in the first trimester. It is a horribly unfair life event to go through. And – it is so sad…

But, we will continue trying – again – And hopefully we will not suffer the same fate. And that is the other thing that I came to understand during this time. How strong woman really are.


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